Early in high school, I was sure that I'd be an interior decorator when I grew up. I painted my room's walls in different colors. I hung a bunch of cool posters. I decorated the outlet and wall switch covers. I changed out my ceiling light, got rid of my bed, brought in a sofa and put a welcome sign on my door. Four years later, my room hadn't changed; I was on my way to California to be an actor in a drama ministry, interior design in my distant memory.
I imagine that every kid has an idea of what they want to be, the career in which they want to work, how they want others to perceive them. Those desires and goals likely change a few times over the years, as they did for me. Ultimately, what I came to recognize and accept is that I want attention. I want an audience. I grew up learning music to perform. I memorized prose to recite to others. I acted on stage to entertain and teach. I pastored children and youth groups because I thought I had something to offer. I'm a performer and I want an audience.
As I think about it, though, we're all built for relationships, so attention, affection, respect and honor all speak to our identity. I've long endorsed what somebody said a long time ago, "The chief purpose of mankind is to know and be known." As we make our way through life, all of our relationships serve as mirrors to show us how we come off to others. This, in turn, helps us see ourselves, appreciate ourselves, criticize ourselves and ultimately shape our persona. C.S. Lewis wrote, "Whatever their bodies do affects their souls." I think, in a similar manner, the way relationships inform our persona affects our character. Without being known, we don't know who we are.
You say that you love me. Don't say that You love me, 'cause I don't know how to be Yours.
I still act like an orphan, I guess, and my hard heart breaks to confess.
That, even while You hold me, as I cry on the floor, I still don't know how to be Yours.
So, love Me or hate Me, I'm not going anywhere. Love Me or leave Me, you still bear My signature. Know Me or not, seen or forgot, I'm not walking out on you.
How to be Yours by Chris Renzema.
I heard this song for the first time a few years after the bride and I had adopted our elder two children. They are siblings from neglectful, addicted biological parents. They experienced two failed adoptions prior and suffered physical, institutional abuse in their foster situation. Our daughter, the eldest, had been acting out based on her trauma-informed life perspective. She was rejecting our love and affection. She was resisting being part of a family. She was imagining scenarios and risks that didn't exist and fighting them. She was behaving in hostile and aggressive ways toward others. We had continuously been in and out of the emergency rooms of four different medical institutions for "behavioral health" risks.
My heart hurt. I had never before experienced pain like that. I felt like a father for the first time. Hearing the words of the song above, I interpreted the first two parts as a confession to my Creator. The third part I read as God's words to me and recognized that I felt like my heavenly Father. I wanted so much for my daughter to stop acting like an orphan. I wanted her to recognize that she was struggling to be my and my bride's child. I wanted her to really hear us say, "Love me or hate me, I'm not going anywhere. Love me or leave me, you still bear My signature. Know me or not, seen or forgot, I'm not walking out on you." She didn't know who she was and it was affecting everything.
Like there was a time that I imagined myself to become an interior decorator, there have been times when I haven't known who I am. Many of these times, I acted out, imagined scenarios and risks to fight against, was hostile and aggressive. But the relationships in my life, my audience, have helped me to see who I am. My desire to know others has been rewarded with many friendships and countless acquaintances, all of which have informed my persona. My desire to know my creator, know the Father, seeing how He sees me, has informed my character. I will continue to practice knowing both here, now. I am contrary and unremorseful. I am loved and redeemed. I am known by God.
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