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You can't not do something

Sorry is just a feeling. It's an adjective to describe a feeling (emotion) of distress or penitence. I've found myself saying this to my kids a lot. We're constantly practicing reconciliation in our family; making amends, we call it. Feeling sorry, saying I'm sorry, may be good for beginning the process, but I believe more is necessary for reconciliation. We grow more quickly, mature more thoroughly, when we can confess, admit our offense and ask for what we really want: that it would be like before the offense occurred.


Forgiveness, I've argued, is treating someone as though they've never wronged you. I've been told that's untrue. I've been told that's not possible. I've been told nobody does that. While that's obviously hyperbole, I even doubt its figurative intent. "Forgive and forget.", we hear in the old proverb (although, not a Biblical proverb). While most people I talk to apparently believed this concept is antiquated and impractical, it originally meant to pardon and hold no resentment; treat the offender as though they never offended.


I believe there are two reasons this concept of harboring no resentment is so unpopular. Firstly, it is not widely practiced; there's plenty of precedent for justifying our feelings of offense. In the sports world, it's described as a chip on one's shoulder. This feeling of being disrespected, passed over, undervalued is so prevalent because sports media hails it as a prerequisite for success. ESPN's docuseries that gained huge popularity at the beginning of the sports furlough, The Last Dance, regularly highlighted and praised Michael Jordan's tendency to create reasons to resent opponents in order to fuel his competitive fire. In business, I think it's fairly similar. The model of withholding forgiveness, holding a grudge, remaining offended to fuel your competitive edge has made it acceptable to live with each other while resenting each other.


Also, holding no resentment, or not holding resentment, is difficult because you can't not do something. It's been taught that dark doesn't exist. It is the word we use to describe the absence of light. Cold doesn't exist; it's the word used to describe the absence of heat. Light and heat exist; they are measurable and they produce energy. Their counterparts are only explanations of conditions without them. Much the same way, encouraging or directing someone to not do something cannot exist. Only doing exists. The desire is for a condition without the unwanted variable. To remove the variable, however, would create a void to be filled; that is to say something else must be done in its place.


To be is to do, and we will do what we are used to doing. We will instinctively follow the path of least resistance or work against instinct in order to change our default. One cannot not harbor resentment, therefore, one must do something else. When wronged, we will forgive or we will resent; one action or another. Forgive is the action of pardoning (having no record of wrong) AND protecting, trusting, hoping as before the offense (no resentment). Resentment may fuel your drive, but I propose its consequences may outweigh that drive. You've likely heard some version of "Withholding forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." Resentment poisons us. Grudges make us ugly. Unresolved relationship tension affects our health. Withholding makes us strangers.


I guarantee you will be wronged. You can't not do something, so you'll either resent or forgive. The decision will change your life.




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